ahhh sigh

ahhh.  sigh.  happy sigh.

There at least ten reflective pieces I could have written between last time I sat down and now.  But I never put them on paper.  They just danced around in my head.  
Today I am sitting here.
Starring at the wallpaper on the wall and thinking…hm… this is my life.
This is how its playing out.    I like it.

love the questions

I came across this today while unpacking a little box of favorite papers.
Its ringing in me today… so I wanted to share it with you again.

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything.
Live the questions now.
Perhaps you will then gradually without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.

~Rainer Maria Rilke

Its a nice morning

It’s a nice morning.

The cat’s tail is swishing to the beat of the music.
The espresso is a hot, potent, morning remedy.
There is a dusting of snow on the ground.
Last nights paintings are dry and waiting for me to play with them again.
All the bills are paid
with enough left over for a pound of good coffee.

Isn’t this a nice Sunday.

Waiting on the paint to dry

Waiting on the paint to dry..

I have been waiting on the paint to dry on my canvas.   I was painting for awhile and then realized I had to step away from it and let it dry.   If I don’t take this necessary step,   I end up with a very murky brown mess on the canvas.  

You can get a lot of good stuff done while waiting for the paint to dry.

That’s my thought for the day.

Little Devil on my shoulder .... perfection

I am often soo hard on myself. I want to do things perfect. Any one else like this??? Yeah I know you are out there. Here’s how it is for me.

I know its my ball and chain… carrying around this expectation to be giving forth my best allllllllll the time. That’s too much pressure, you know.

I unlock the ball often. I get free. I get expressive. I get unconcerned. for awhile. But my Perfectionism is always still lurking somewhere and probably always will be. I’ve made friends with its nature, but like all good enemies I don’t make friends enough to schedule dinner dates. I try to avoid Mrs. Perfect in me. I often tell the little meddler to hop off my shoulder and go take a nap! a long long nap.

SO today I am ranting to that perfectionistic little bully that climbs up there on my shoulder and whispers mean things in my ear. The little mini me that is a perfectionist. The little one that has been told by so many people in this world that everything has to be done RIGHT. or I am not ok.

Hey you- why do you think it has to be perfect. Its ok to be a mess. Its ok to tackle big stuff and do it all wrong in the process. So is this game. People can look. People can laugh. Is that what you are worried about? Try not to worry about that. People can watch you make messes of your life as your trying. If you can get past all that (which is truly a short sentence but a long process) Then you can make more than messes. You can stumble over the messes. Hide the messes in the closet. Or take the messes and slowly turn them in to works of art. I mean I personally find it very hard to paint if I am not allowed to get paint everywhere. In fact I don’t enjoy it if I can’t get some paint on my hands and shirt and the floor and the …. well the canvas.

See you can’t create anything unless you engage with it. Get in it. Right in the middle of it produces the best results. And that can be messy. that process can be full of imperfections.

Yeah… so I tell her that today. And right now she is sleeping. The little devil is sleeping. Ahhh… I can run off and do something imperfect and love it!! I can experiment and tear things up and paint on the walls if I want for the sake of exploration. I can try my best and not care if my best doesn’t impress anyone. I can create things and not care if it doesn’t meet someone elses standards. I can do it out of pure joy. pure love. purest intention.

Habits

Habits.  
How do I form my lifestyle?  Around my habits.
My soul’s best intentions can be helped or hindered by my daily habits.
I woke up this morning thinking about how crucial all this is to my experience of a day. Our move has transplanted me into a new existence.   Much is the same.   I see my small possessions around me.   The little things I have collected here and there…the little pieces that tell stories about me.  But the big stuff around me has all changed.   I always say- “Its amazing… you want to see what you amount to, just move.”  Packed away, as tightly as possible in boxes your stuff shows it’s self as a meaningless accumulation of unsubstantial size.   For all the hard work our society puts in to acquire material possessions, we really have so little to hang on to.  It’s good to see that and know.  

So I sit here in a new house, with my old stuff, and a transformed life.
It’s not the old or the new that I see around me, it’s the old and the new that I feel within me.

My habit for mornings has changed since I have moved into this house.  I am sleeping in a bit later.  And that’s good for me.   Good for the overachiever who has the tendency to take out the trash while drinking morning coffee.  Good for the girl who tries to meditate while writing the grocery list.  (Not the meditating while writing the grocery list is bad if you can handle that kinda thing. )   But it’s good for this girl who does too much and misses the slow stuff too often to change her habits.
Transition helps that process along, I guess.   New habits are forming.

This time here, with the dawn, in my room, with my coffee and silence is doing good in me.  Moving with less haste and more deliberate consciousness.  Not hurrying as much to move faster, but going farther.  Farther in my soul.  Farther in my efforts to be more substantial.   To acquire more wealth in my soul than in boxes.

Let my habits sink into me.  Let them become unstoppable habits.  Let these rituals towards peace be more and more a piece of my character, undetached from who I am.  

Until tomorrow morning….
  

You captivate me

You captivate me
You inspire me
you convince me of my inclination towards creating
something more
Powerful
more Intense
Something heavy resting on my chest
In my soul
In each breath I am taking today
I am thinking of you
and wondering if I can get inside of you

Open the doors to your chest
And let me climb in
Open up and close me inside of you
For awhile
My love

Take me in
And rub your self into me
Shine me with a layer of your self
Polish me
With who you are today
And I will be a better person

I will be more of me
and a touch of you
I am better for knowing you
Better for being beside you
Still myself
add a reflection of you
you who came by me
on my way
to today

Open my soul

Open my soul
Letting everything judgement of me out
Not caring who I am
Being who I am
From the core
Not colored
Not painted
No texture
No race

This is a feeling
A haze that has meaning

Resting
With movement all around me
Nothing to do but soak it up and
Let it pour back out when it reaches the top

~Reflections after going to a drum circle last night and dancing to the beat of the music